I have been sitting here and thinking about my life, why am I so depressed and so unhappy?
Why do I hate myself SO much?
When I was a teenager, I used to be so happy. No care in the world. I of course didn’t like myself (body) as much as I should have. But I was out going and just LOVED being alive.
But then there came boys. These boys took away “me”. Made me hate myself. I’ve been raped, I’ve been beat on and ever since I have remained that “victim” I was married to a man for 10 years who degraded me, would beat in doors, car window shields, scare the living crap out of me while holding my daughter in my arms, always in my face threatening me. To this very day I let it run me over, it takes up my whole life and the reason it does is because I am allowing it to. I want to move forward!
I have found the perfect guy, someone who loves me no matter how big of a bitch I am and how much I try to push him away. Honestly, why do I deserve such a great guy when so many years I have been used and abused? I never thought I did. I just lived day to day and just accepted what life threw my way. No matter how hard it was, I would take it and keep everything inside.
I no longer have a father in my life, which really affects me. But then I think, I never really had in my life anyways. I was never good enough. Everyone else’s daughters were, but not me. This absolutely hurts me. The only real father figure I had in my life, I lost 2 years ago, the greatest man, my grandfather. I am SO jealous of those girls/women who have real caring fathers in their life, those “Daddy’s girls”. I always wanted to be that.
I have come to the realization that that is no way to live your life. I have to learn to love myself and learn to accept that I will never be perfect, but who is? No one is perfect. I am who God made me to be and I need to find that person again.
So I am making a pact with myself;
1. Learn to love and accept myself.
2. Lose weight
3. Learn to be strong
4. Dedicate myself more to my blog, and do what I love – WRITE!
I am sure there is a WHOLE lot more I need to add to my list. But honestly, with my kids keep running into my room that’s all I can think of right now.
I am not going to lie, I am weak. I KNOW I am weak, but I can’t let that ruin my life any more. I know I can be a strong person, I just have to find her again.
I know my husband supports me and would do anything to see me happy, I love him so much for that. I know I am going to need a whole lot more support and I hope my readers don’t mind if I keep up with my progress and some downfalls on my blog. I just want to remember where I am now, and where I hope I can be in 6 months to a year.
Meanwhile, I hope to bring in some more reviews and just focus MORE on what I need to do and accomplish. I seriously need to get myself out of this rut. I just can’t honestly live here anymore.
As the saying goes, I just need to “Let go and let God”.