Depression….
December 10, 2009 by Krissy
Filed under Adults/Parents, Sharing Saturdays
Here’s a topic I don’t like to talk about, but since it’s that time of year it seems to get worse.
Depression.
Do you suffer from depression? I do, usually this time of year it starts to hit hard. I am on medication for mine, I take 100mg Zoloft. I guess it does help because I would hate to see what I am like without it. Some days aren’t so bad but then there are others I just want to curl up and hide. Today is one of those days for me.
I get so lost in things I have to get done, I get so unorganized, I lose things, my mind is the main one.
What keeps me going are my children, even though I want to pull out my hair and literally put my head through a wall, I know I have to be here for them.
When I was a teen I was suffering through depression, from things that happened to me which I won’t get in to…maybe someday, I am sure some may know without me even saying. I was a ‘cutter’. Some may wonder what a cutter is, that would be to inflict pain onto myself by cutting myself. I have scars from doing this, some of the pains I will never forget and some I will always know what the scar was for when I did it.
After I had my first child, I stopped. I didn’t want her to see my weakness, so now I don’t really know how to deal with the hurt inside of me. You can let go all you want and live from day to day, but there are some pains you just can’t get rid of. Some days, I don’t even know why I am so depressed which makes me so angry at myself.
Since it’s closer to Christmas, and we all have the stress of money and what you can’t get your children it gets worse.
We struggle from day to day and at the end of every month we have no food in the house, which means I have to go to a church and get help. The first time I had to do this, I was so ashamed. Mainly because I can’t provide for my children. But, if I were not to go what kind of mother would I be not to be able to feed my children?
I have the every day struggles everyone does. I don’t get child support from my ex for 3 of my children. My husband works everyday to provide for us all and it’s not enough. Yes, I do get help from the state and that does NOT make me a bad person. Sometimes pride has to be set aside when you have children.
Do you notice when I share my feelings, I am all scattered all over the place?
I am not good at sharing ME.
The other day my daughter told me she has a friend who is EMO and she is a ‘cutter’. I can relate because I was EMO too growing up. I told her there is a reason she is a cutter and I want her to be her friend, be close to her. She may say everything is fine and she is all smiles on the outside but she doesn’t cut herself because she enjoys the pain, she cuts herself because she is hiding pain and the only way to deal with the pain is for her to cause HERSELF pain. Of course this is never the way to go, I wish I never did it when I was a teen, but I didn’t know what to do, how to handle it, ect.
Yes, I got help for something that happened to me, I saw a counselor, but sadly that slapped me in the face and was basically told I brought on everything that happened to me. My eyes, she basically called me a slutt.
So as far as counselors go, I haven’t been back to one since. I was a 16 year old kid when I saw her, how in the world could someone degrade a child like that.
I have so much pain in my heart and I hold everything in. It’s hard for me to cry as it will show weakness and I can’t let anyone see that. I cry for my children and that will be the only thing I cry for. I can’t cry for what happened in the past, because that’s where it should stay, IN THE PAST. I am ANGRY! I am so pissed at what some jerkoffs did to me to make me this way.
But again, it’s the time of year for a bunch of stress, and it seems like when the stress of money hits, everything comes back loud and clear. I am so mad at myself that I can’t provide my children clothes for the winter. I am SO pissed at my ex because he can’t MAN UP and give my children the money they deserve! He said it won’t kill them to have a bad Christmas this year. We’re ALL hurting. Yes, FAMILIES are hurting! He’s a single man, working. MAN UP! Become the father you were supposed to be. UGH! I am so angry I could scream.
But I won’t. *Deep Breath*.
I will do the best I possibly can for my children, for my husband. I will vent here and when I click post it will be out in the open and maybe there can be a little healing?
Maybe letting people you’ve never met face to face help deal with emotional issues?
I don’t know. Some people may think I am wrong for talking about this and letting lose on a blog I love so much.
Maybe I will lose readers. But who would I be for no one to really know me?
I have deep depression, and I know I’m not alone.
IT’S OKAY! It doesn’t make me a bad person, I am a very friendly person, I have a huge heart and I give my all to help someone. I just have those deep wounds that have yet to heal, maybe they will, maybe they won’t. I don’t know. I just know that it does help to come forward and talk about it.
I may even get some hate mail…even some mean comments. But believe me, it won’t be anything I haven’t heard before. I am trying to heal, I am trying to deal with the stress in my life and you simply can not put me down for that.
Do YOU deal with depression? If so, how do you cope?
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I can feel what you are going through. I have been dealing with “diagnosed” depression for about 10 years or so. I have tried different medications and I never feel that “I have found the right one.” I am currently taking Cymbalta 60mg for the depression and chronic pain (fybro-myalgia). It’s a little better with the depression but not yet for the pain. I am currently out of it because we lost our health insurance just after I started seeing a rheumotologist for the fibromyalgia and boy, that med is about $250 per month. I won’t be buying any of that anytime soon.
If you have been to my blog you will know that I am very stressed and I swear I would forget where my head were, if it weren’t attached. I am going in 10 different directions all at once, I hate this time of year. I hate having to spend my hard earned money on people that “I am told” to buy for and how much to spend. I feel I should be able to buy for who I want and spend what I want. I have always been a believer in that. This year is more depressing because Hubby has been laid off since right before Christmas last year, luckily I had finished my Christmas shopping before he got laid off. Well, this year is not that way. I am usually done shopping by now but this year I have only gotten like 4 things so far. I seriously don’t know where the money is going to come from to buy all the gifts. I would love to boycott the gifts this year, but no one sees it from my point of view. I would rather have food and propane than exchange gifts.
If people leave you nasty comments, they must also be depressed but can’t admit it. It takes a whole lot to admit depression and even more to admit being medicated for it. You should be proud of yourself for admitting it and doing what you can to help yourself.
Believe me, there are more people out there just like you, then you think. Some of us just aren’t strong enough to remember the past. So, you just take care of yourself and do what you have to do to help out that friend of your daughters, I am sure she needs it. Those scars you were talking about, I have 2 of them:(
I will think about you often, say a prayer and check in on you! Keep looking to the stars, there is someone up there that loves you!
Sending you hugs!! I only get depressed once in a while and that’s bad enough. I hope and will pray that the holidays only bring you joy this year! You’re right it doesn’t make you a bad person, you have a big heart which makes you a GREAT person!! I can’t even imagine you’d get a nasty comment but if you do please don’t listen to them. I read posts but don’t comment often, I had to because this touched me. You`ll be in my prayers!
I think it’s awesome you shared all this about yourself. It’s so important for other people who may be going through similar things to see that they are not alone. I have dealt with depression for a number of years. I chose to not go back on medication after my first child was born. By the grace of God, I am still drug free today. But it’s a struggle, usually a daily one. This time of year is especially difficult, with shorter days and less sunshine, money for Christmas and end-of-the-year stuff, having to go through the holidays trying to be happy while missing the ones you love so much and have lost. I became real good at putting on a happy face, and not showing others the deep hurt and depression inside.
The main way I deal with the depression is to remember my sweet girls’ faces, and know that I have to make it through to be there for them. I try to get in the sunshine whenever I can. And when I absolutely can’t handle it, I crawl in bed until I have the strength to get up again.
Don’t listen to anybody put you down for sharing this. It only shows how strong you are, to put it all out there for everyone to read.
Just a hello from a blog follower to send a little encouragement your way. I hope that by venting here on your blog you got a little bit of healing when you posted (as you had hoped). You’re only human like everyone else and you’re working hard at doing the best you can for your children and family. I mean what else can anyone really be expected to do?!? Keep your head high, the past is history and while it hurts at times it doesn’t have to define who you are now. As you already know, every day we get to spend with our kids and families is something to be grateful for!
You are so brave to tell about your pain and your struggles. It is so hard for many women (myself included) to let people know that we don’t have it all together. I will pray for you and your family and hope things get better for you. It is so sad that so many people are struggling with financial hardship this year. I know how depressing it is to be broke at Christmas. I wish you and yours better things in the year to come.
I’m not gonna say “I know how you feel” because honestly no one knows how someone else feels, we all deal with things differently. But I will let you know my opinion… I have found that it is better to get things out, and although you might not think it was right to post this, it’s how you feel, it’s something that is apart of you, and I bet you will feel a little better getting it out. WHO CARES WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK! all that matters is what you think of yourself! Focus on the good things not the bad.As for the things that happened to you in the past, I have learned that it’s better to forgive, not forget, and definately not for their sakes, but for your own. You will feel much better trust me. It just makes your heart heavy (you know what I mean)to hold onto that much hate and heartache. Let it out, no one will think you are weak!!!! If you hold it in for to long your gonna blow!! As for the dead beat tell him to grow up and acknowledge that he also has responsibilities, just cause he is now a single man does not mean that he is not a father! Good luck and remember to just breath!
I can imagine that this must be hard to write about,even harder still to re-live the moments.I think it takes a very strong woman to put this up,knowing what kind of responses you could get and I applaud you for having the strength.You know when I first started reading blogs I thought..these people(bloggers and giveaway hosts) are so lucky because they get to do these great reviews and receive so many neat things to do so.The more I read however,the more I learn that a large portion do it to help themselves in their own struggles.I know some have said they would not have a gift to give if it were not for winning giveaway prizes or receiving items to host the giveaways.I think it makes you a hell of a mother to do what it takes for your children.There is nothing wrong with receiving help in whatever form that help takes and the fact that you can swallow your own pride to provide for your kids is a fact you should be proud of.I think it is only those who do nothing to help themselves that should be ashamed.You are a woman and a mother who is taking care of her kids..that is soo much in a day when children are being tossed aside ,thrown away or given up,when mothers are chosing themselves over their children. As for the rest this is your blog and if you cannot put your own feelings,issues or problems on it,then what is the point? If someone is ignorant enough to put you down or stop being a reader because you are human..well I say you are better off without them.We all have our own demons and issues and sometimes putting it out there is the only way to deal.We may be strangers in the “real” world ,but I have come to care what happens to many people in bloggyland just by reading their stories,sharing their laughter and sometimes their tears too.By what I read,I think I have an idea of what may have happened to you and if I am correct,I can relate.My way out used to be drugs,alcohol..anything to numb the pain,but I dont think I ever truly started to deal until I became a mommy.Live your life the best you can..the most important thing a mother can do is just be there.Life hands us all hurdles to overcome and maybe some of your strength will come from knowing that there are others out there who don’t think less of you for this,but who think more of you for doing it.Happy Holidays.
I am glad that you can let it all here, shame on those who decide to unfollow. There is nothing wrong on getting help for extra groceries, I volunteer once a month at our Food Share Ministry and if it wasn’t for them, we would not have enough to help feed our family. We had daughter move back home with her 2 gals when her the company closed down. We are all pitching in to help each other.
Putting yourself out there like that was awesome – if you lose readers, bigger fool them (& you point one finger, ten more point back at you)
I suffer from depression too – I used to take medication but wanted to stop for personal reasons. I also had a lady at my church stand up one day & berate anyone who took “that” kind of medication, and why couldn’t they “rely on the Lord alone” sort of thing. (That wasn’t why I stopped, and needless to say her comments didn’t gain her many friends.) My point is, some people just don’t get it. You have to have been to the bottom and back to understand what a personal hell it is for some people, that doesn’t make them weak, just, their demons dig deeper into them is all. I really admire that you put it all out there like that.
We ARE all having money problems, some of us DO need state help – that’s what it’s there for!, and, sadly, some of us have bum ex’s.
But you’re facing in the right direction, and that definitely counts for everything. (My husband once told me, ‘no matter how badly you’ve screwed up, or how close to hell you might feel you are – as long as you’re facing the ‘right’ way, you can make it back’. Hang in there – crappy days like this happen for us all. (Venting helps me. That, and some good, hard death metal. Lol – that may sound strange, but I love it. I stick headphones on, turn that right up, and get good and pissed off. And, funnily enough, it helps me calm down – almost like it sucks all my energy out and leaves me feeling calmer. I do it when the hubby can take care of the kids)
And that’s my ‘thing’ that not many people but those super close to me know about. So you’re not alone – I may not have your exact cross to bear, but there’s alot of us ‘Moms’ out there with our personal demons and bad days, so I’m so sorry you’re having one. I hope tomorrow is better for you, and I’ll send you a bunch of good thoughts. *Hugs*
xx
Whoa it was crazy reading this, some parts where like I was writing it. It also makes me feel like I’m not alone. That other people, women, have been there and know the pain of it! Which being a stay at home mom with no friends is hard sometimes to realize. Screw the people that may leave the blog or send mean emails clearly they don’t get it and need to leave anyway.
I’ve always been depressed. Stuff happened to me when I was really little for years until I was older enough to tell my cousin no than again a few times when I was a tween. (I seemed to always find myself in the wrong place at the wrong time) I started smoking pot when I was 11 and harder drugs mostly LCD when I was a teen.
I also started cutting when I was 12 and didn’t stop until almost two years after my daughter so I was 22. I definitely know where you’re coming from on that part. There are some days I so want to revert back to it, make it easier, release everything. But you know we are so much stronger for not doing it!
Also saw a counselor when I was around 12 and she pretty much said the same thing and that I was making it harder on myself at school because I was “goth”. She also betrayed me by telling my parents everything I told her which just made family life that much harder.
I’ve been on more medicates than I can count since I was 11 but nothing seems to help really. I actually just got off some and withdrawal was hell for two weeks. Just going day by day now and trying.
I’m so lucky because I met my now husband when I was 13 and he saved my life. I was planning a way out and he just showed up, waltz in and stole my heart. I don’t know what I would have done without him. Well that’s not true, I would have been dead without his help and understanding. I’m blessed to have him in my life and have his love!
It’s a daily struggle for people that are depressed. We even make it hard on ourselves when we have those days where we feel like we shouldn’t be depressed. We are wired differently than other people, it’s not our fault and something that can’t be controlled, we can’t just switch a flip and say ok today I will not be depressed at all or wont be angry for all the pain. Really that just makes it more stressful. It’s a fight, it’s a battle and we have to put on armor and just do the best we can daily.
I can tell by reading your blog you’re a good mother. Mothers almost can’t have pride when it comes to their children unless it’s toward the children. You’re doing what YOU need to do for THEM and nothing is wrong with that!
OK I know I’ve rambled on and on but again sometimes I forgot that people get it, they understand and feel it.
Just remember you’re a good person, a good mom and take it day by day because in the end that’s all you can really do.
I hope tomorrow is better. I hope that you can find some joy in this holiday season and enjoy yourself and kids!
I can’t say I know how you feel, but I am proud of you for putting yourself out there. You may help many many women by your courage! I am praying for you and hope you will be feeling happier soon! Hugs!
You’re a strong person for handling your depression, I can only imagine what it’s like. Stay positive and know that you are a good person & good mother. *hugs*
I can’t relate to everything you have posted about- but I could not show weakness either, not since I was about 5 and my father’s family pretty much used any emotion against me. I still can’t cry or do “normal” relationships.
I’ve been depressed- the worst was when I lived in the dark in Alaska for months and months. It never got beyond twilight and I really felt like I was in a fog in the dark all the time.
Don’t be ashamed or embarrassed to get help whether emotional or medical or financial wherever you can- that’s what it is there for. People who are trying, doing the best they can. Most especially, don’t let anyone make you feel bad or less. No matter how it looks on the outside we ALL have our struggles to deal with and mountains to climb, some just show it differently.
A lot of this comes only from age and experience, but just the fact that you are trying makes you strong.
Oh and as for the ex- I messed up there too and I’ll say this- too late for me now and we have a deal worked out but every state will go after a deadbeat dad for you- every one. Especially one who is working. I tried to keep the peace and not make him look bad to his kids and everything but you know what- they knew anyways and while they get why I didn’t want to fight because we “managed” they kind of are a bit resentful they didn’t get what they were entitled to.
I just want to say, to the women out there trying to overcome these particular issues, that though you may feel that you are weak in some way or another because of how depressed you may feel now, understand that being in this mindset can be subsequently harmful if it causes you to hide your depression. This also will eventually persuade you to avoid getting the help you so disparately need to become the person you want to be for yourself and others. But firstly I want you ladies to realize that by coming here to voice your concern of your current situations took major guts and in knowing this you should celebrate even this most basic of achievements, because overcoming denial isn’t a easy task(trust me!). Even I sometimes forget to acknowledge this fact at times. Everyone has skeletons in their closet that must in time be released in order to regain some semblance of who they are and what they want out of life. “Rome wasn’t built in a day, so allow yourself to grow and experience life a day at a time!”
Depending on how severe the symptoms were I would have directed you toward going to doctor and having he/she prescribe some type of anti-depressant to suppress that particular mental disorders and, unfortunately the most common antidepressants have been linked to birth defects and miscarriage. Therefore, as a precaution I am advising women with these problems to first consult with your family about having a one on one discussion with a local certified therapist. There are also support groups for women like yourselves, either in the confines of your job or maybe in an facility that could provide a more discrete enclosure outside of the work grounds. Here is a helpline that will allow you to share any uncomfortable feelings that maybe bottled up, 1-800-808-0631 .“No matter what the gender or situation, know that everyone needs help every once in a while.”