Friday, December 21st, 2012 by Krissy 5 Comments »
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I felt the need to do a personal post. I don't do that a whole heck of a lot, but I know that needs to change. I say it every year!
This has been one of the hardest years for us as a family. A lot of changes, not in a good way. But I do feel blessed because I have my children and my husband, and of course our health. My parents divorced this year, after 36 years of marriage, that was pretty hard to grasp. Through it all, I lost my father, not physically...he's just no longer a part of my life or my kids' lives. He made some decsions, said some awful things and did some awful things. In time, perhaps all will be forgiven, right now though, not so much. I get jealous seeing these ladies/girls with their fathers and truly wish I had that with mine. I wish mine was there for me when I was a child. I will never say I didn't try. But sometimes even when you try, it's just never good enough. More changes came (A LOT) when my mom moved in with us. This is NOT easy! We are struggling daily, she moved in with us last May and it's been interesting to say the least! I love my mom SO much! But she just isn't the same person she used to be and that is hard for me to handle, emotionally. But we make due. We have to. You put on a smile and you go on.
My husband is STILL unemployed. It's been over a year. This of course is the hardest possible thing to go through. He tries, and he feels bad and takes it out on himself. He puts in applications and they just don't go anywhere! Even at local retailers... it's not easy but again, we're getting through it. Although, I can say that this hasn't hurt our marriage at all, actually we have grown stronger because we're doing it together. There's ups and downs of course, but we get past it.
With Christmas here (just 4 days away) it's been hard to grasp everything. We have family drama that I am currently involved in, things being taken the wrong way and then EXPLODE out of no where. Then the shootings happened in Newtown, CT. I have heard about other shootings before, and my heart has absolutely broke for them, but this one...this was bad and it took me to a whole new level emotionally. This has really set my depression off, it's so bad that I can't even think or read about what happened, I can't look at those precious babies faces. As I type this I have tears rolling down my face. Maybe it's because my children are their ages? Maybe it's because my youngest baby is the age of those young kids who died that day. I don't know, I can't really get too much into it otherwise I will dwell on it for a couple days before I can stop myself thinking about it.
Then I think how petty I've been this past year. I am in no way perfect! I have my problems, I deal with depression daily, and the every day stresses life can throw your way. But I have my faith in God and He gets us by, He gets me by. I always say to myself "Let go, and let God". That about sums it up. He handles and takes care of it. He gives me the strength to get out of bed each day and just move on and move forward.
Christmas is a hard time of year, possibly one of the hardest times. I have a lot of guilt because my kids can't have a good Christmas because of the money and I just can't get any help or catch a break. I also know Christmas isn't about the presents under the tree, it's about our children and our families. Do I still feel bad? Of course!! Who wouldn't?
But as long as we have our children, and we are healthy...I think I can get past it. I look forward to another year, perhaps it'll be another stressful year and a lot of crying. But then there is that chance that it will be the best year yet! Just all depends on how you look at it. I plan on keeping my heart open and letting God handle the rest for me.
I may not ever have the perfect life, but I am forever grateful to have the life I have.
I wish you ALL a Merry Christmas! I hope you all have a beautiful day filled with family and friends and LOTS of love and laughter!
Here's also wishing 2013 to be the best year yet!