Thursday, December 10th, 2009 by Krissy 14 Comments »
Here’s a topic I don’t like to talk about, but since it’s that time of year it seems to get worse.
Do you suffer from depression? I do, usually this time of year it starts to hit hard. I am on medication for mine, I take 100mg Zoloft. I guess it does help because I would hate to see what I am like without it. Some days aren’t so bad but then there are others I just want to curl up and hide. Today is one of those days for me.
I get so lost in things I have to get done, I get so unorganized, I lose things, my mind is the main one.
What keeps me going are my children, even though I want to pull out my hair and literally put my head through a wall, I know I have to be here for them.
When I was a teen I was suffering through depression, from things that happened to me which I won’t get in to…maybe someday, I am sure some may know without me even saying. I was a ‘cutter’. Some may wonder what a cutter is, that would be to inflict pain onto myself by cutting myself. I have scars from doing this, some of the pains I will never forget and some I will always know what the scar was for when I did it.
After I had my first child, I stopped. I didn’t want her to see my weakness, so now I don’t really know how to deal with the hurt inside of me. You can let go all you want and live from day to day, but there are some pains you just can’t get rid of. Some days, I don’t even know why I am so depressed which makes me so angry at myself.
Since it’s closer to Christmas, and we all have the stress of money and what you can’t get your children it gets worse.
We struggle from day to day and at the end of every month we have no food in the house, which means I have to go to a church and get help. The first time I had to do this, I was so ashamed. Mainly because I can’t provide for my children. But, if I were not to go what kind of mother would I be not to be able to feed my children?
I have the every day struggles everyone does. I don’t get child support from my ex for 3 of my children. My husband works everyday to provide for us all and it’s not enough. Yes, I do get help from the state and that does NOT make me a bad person. Sometimes pride has to be set aside when you have children.
Do you notice when I share my feelings, I am all scattered all over the place?
I am not good at sharing ME.
The other day my daughter told me she has a friend who is EMO and she is a ‘cutter’. I can relate because I was EMO too growing up. I told her there is a reason she is a cutter and I want her to be her friend, be close to her. She may say everything is fine and she is all smiles on the outside but she doesn’t cut herself because she enjoys the pain, she cuts herself because she is hiding pain and the only way to deal with the pain is for her to cause HERSELF pain. Of course this is never the way to go, I wish I never did it when I was a teen, but I didn’t know what to do, how to handle it, ect.
Yes, I got help for something that happened to me, I saw a counselor, but sadly that slapped me in the face and was basically told I brought on everything that happened to me. My eyes, she basically called me a slutt.
So as far as counselors go, I haven’t been back to one since. I was a 16 year old kid when I saw her, how in the world could someone degrade a child like that.
I have so much pain in my heart and I hold everything in. It’s hard for me to cry as it will show weakness and I can’t let anyone see that. I cry for my children and that will be the only thing I cry for. I can’t cry for what happened in the past, because that’s where it should stay, IN THE PAST. I am ANGRY! I am so pissed at what some jerkoffs did to me to make me this way.
But again, it’s the time of year for a bunch of stress, and it seems like when the stress of money hits, everything comes back loud and clear. I am so mad at myself that I can’t provide my children clothes for the winter. I am SO pissed at my ex because he can’t MAN UP and give my children the money they deserve! He said it won’t kill them to have a bad Christmas this year. We’re ALL hurting. Yes, FAMILIES are hurting! He’s a single man, working. MAN UP! Become the father you were supposed to be. UGH! I am so angry I could scream.
But I won’t. *Deep Breath*.
I will do the best I possibly can for my children, for my husband. I will vent here and when I click post it will be out in the open and maybe there can be a little healing?
Maybe letting people you’ve never met face to face help deal with emotional issues?
I don’t know. Some people may think I am wrong for talking about this and letting lose on a blog I love so much.
Maybe I will lose readers. But who would I be for no one to really know me?
I have deep depression, and I know I’m not alone.
IT’S OKAY! It doesn’t make me a bad person, I am a very friendly person, I have a huge heart and I give my all to help someone. I just have those deep wounds that have yet to heal, maybe they will, maybe they won’t. I don’t know. I just know that it does help to come forward and talk about it.
I may even get some hate mail…even some mean comments. But believe me, it won’t be anything I haven’t heard before. I am trying to heal, I am trying to deal with the stress in my life and you simply can not put me down for that.
Do YOU deal with depression? If so, how do you cope?